Scarred
by theverystuffoflife
Summary: [One shot] Set after Ash and Dixie's argument following Jeff's death. Lily and Ethan discuss their recoveries from the crash that almost killed them both, discovering neither of them are quite as emotionally recovered as they are making out to be. [Lily/Ethan friendship]


**Well this is terrifying. I've not written any characters properly bar Sam before, and I appear to be stuck in a bit of a rut. I absolutely adore Casualty at the moment, the quality of the show is outstanding and I am full of ideas yet I'm so apprehensive about getting these characters right. **

**In particular I enjoy the little friendship between Lily and Ethan, and deep beneath Lily's hostility towards Caleb lurks a fear that he's going to hurt Ethan like he hurt her (though I personally think the lovely Cal has turned a corner).**

**Please be nice and review and let me know what you think :D**

_"It should have been you!"_

Lily winced as Dixie's words echoed through the E.D reception as an uncomfortable silence engulfed the entirety of the room. Turning away from the files she'd been attempting to read throughout the painful encounter between the grieving woman and the older consultant, she noticed the look of utter devastation that passed over Ash's face before he turned and climbed the stairs. Despite the fact Lily still possessed a small amount of dislike for her former mentor, she knew there was no way he deserved to be blamed for Jeff's demise, no more than anyone else caught up in the crash.

As a confused looking Zoe waded into the situation, Dixie turned and caught Lily's eye for just a second before Lily had to turn and walk away as quickly as possible. Despite the fact she'd not been on the receiving end of the irrational woman's barrage of accusations, every time she looked at the paramedic she felt sick with guilt knowing she'd been caught up in the accident that killed her husband.

Bursting into the staffroom, a safe haven away from the chaos of the emotionally drained department, she noticed a familiar figure sat at the breakfast bar with his back to the door. He was sat stock still, and Lily wondered for a moment if the man was so engrossed in the patient files sat in front of him that he didn't even notice Lily's heavy handed entrance. Then she noticed his slouched form was shaking and her stomach was suddenly filled with dread.

"Ethan?" Lily said tentatively, walking around to face the unresponsive doctor. She inhaled sharply as she noticed the vacant look engrained on the mans face and his ghostly pale complexion had her wondering if this was some rare relapse from the accident.

"Dr Hardy," she tried, a little more firmly this time. "Ethan? Ethan, can you hear me?" she reached out to shake his shoulder desperately as she contemplated going to get help.

Suddenly Ethan snapped out of his daze and focused his baffled gaze on Lily, as if he'd just noticed she was there.

"Dixie's wrong-" he whispered, and Lily realised that Ethan must have heard the commotion that had just occurred in reception. She was sure her heart would break as his voice was so full of irrational guilt. "It's my fault."

"No," Lily replied bluntly as she sat herself on the stool facing Ethan, as if her words could erase every inch of self-blame Ethan was evidently wallowing in. "Ethan, no-one made that van blow up, no-one is to blame for Jeff's death." It was easier said than done, Lily thought, to claim Jeff's death was the fault of no one. She knew that every single person caught up in that crash felt guilty, herself included. However to hear one of her best friends say it so contemptuously hurt her so badly that she was prepared to argue against the idea for as long as it took to change Ethan's mind.

"I was driving," Ethan continued, ignoring Lily's protests, "I should have been the one who died."

"Don't say that!" Lily snapped passionately, before uncharacteristically reaching to grab the other doctors hand. "Listen to me Ethan- if you were in any way to blame for what happened, you'd be in prison right now. It kills me to hear you blame yourself, because it's not true. It's not Ash's fault either- Dixie is grieving, she's struggling and saying things she doesn't mean,"

"You'd make a good lawyer Lily," Ethan interrupted, his weak smile failing to reach his eyes.

Lily sighed in exasperation, removing her hand from his. "Are you actually listening to me Ethan Hardy?"

"People say stuff they don't mean when trauma happens," Ethan replied absently, "so how can I trust you? How can I trust myself? Nothing feels clear anymore."

Lily realised in that moment that Ethan hadn't healed at all. He may have recovered physically but in his head everything was just as messed up as it was the day of the accident. In that moment she cursed Mrs Beauchamps' utter lack of support and refusal to bring in a counsellor because Dixie clearly wasn't the only one who desperately needed it.

"You can trust me," Lily spoke as if she had never believed anything more, "I care about you Ethan."

"Every time I go to sleep I can see that van heading straight towards us. I couldn't stop it Lily, I couldn't."

Lily raised her eyebrows, a little shocked at Ethan's outburst. It was out of character for either of the two doctors to open up about their feelings, even to each other, and to hear Ethan being so honest was hard to digest.

"You have nightmares too?"

"Every night," Ethan replied and then realised what Lily had just said. "Sounds like I'm not the only one struggling Dr Chao."

"I just want to feel normal again," Lily confided, "as soon as I heard the argument between Dixie and Ash I knew nothing had changed since the day Jeff died."

"We will feel better, eventually."

"It's time to stop pretending Dr Hardy, we need to ask Mrs Beauchamp for counselling. We're going to need help to move on." Lily said. Ethan smiled fondly at the familiar tone of finality in the defiant junior doctors tone, nodding in agreement.

The two doctors fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes, as the buzz outside the staffroom doors began to pick up.

"Suppose I better go and treat some more NHS drains," Lily sighed as she rose from her stool, but shook her head as she noticed Ethan try to follow her. "Not you, Dr Hardy. You're looking peaky, make sure you eat something before you even think about treating anyone."

"Stop fussing Dr Chao," the older doctor grinned. He turned as the young woman strode towards the door as if the previous emotionally charged conversation hadn't even happened. "Lily? Thank-you." he said sincerely.

"Remember what I said Ethan," Lily smiled gently as she placed her hand on the door handle.

As she stepped out of the staffroom she locked eyes with a concerned looking Caleb who had probably been watching the whole conversation unfold before his eyes. She smiled gently at the man before nodding her head towards the door behind her, a silent signal asking for his support. As much as she hated Cal for what he had done to her, she knew they were united over their care for Ethan and for that, Lily liked him a tiny bit more.

**Well that was the biggest load of rubbish I've ever written, but I might as well publish it seeing as I spent an hour writing it :D Who knew Lily and Ethan were so hard to keep in character?! I do apologise for any mistakes, the only essay writing I get to do nowadays is in fact in French so I'm not quite up to speed with creative writing. Please review :) **


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